Avoid stepping into a great man's shoes

Avoid stepping into a great man's shoes.

A good friend of mine came to me because he needed some advice. I thought "Oh, okay". I wasn't sure I'd be able to assist because I am not the advice type. However, I am a good listener so I was pretty sure we could come up with a solution. To assist someone who needs advice, I often use the Socratic method, that is help using framing questions, this way you think that you came up with the solution on your own because you thought for yourself. It is effective because this way no judgments are cast and you don't give awful advice. The truth is that we already know what to do and often times we just need validation from the outside world. The art of giving good advice is getting the other person to lay out all his cards and ask questions. This way the other person is reflective and your job is done. Don't say what you think because that's not what the other person needs, plus your judgment is flawed in any case because you are biased and are projecting - this is not about you.

I listened. He told me about how he is in love with this girl whose with this other guy but it doesn't really matter because the girl loves him and not the guy. A love triangle, I thought. He was in trouble because there's a power struggle in this dynamic and only one person won, the one on the top. But I didn't say this out loud, I just merely asked "How do you know that this girl loves you?". He responded "I just know it. I see it in her eyes. We love each other, it's always been that way. I retorted, "how do you know?". Finally he responded "she told me so". I shook my head not convinced. I then asked "how many years has she been with this guy?". He responded "About 6 years". I let that sink in a bit and there was silence for a bit. But in my mind I thought this is a irrevocable case and an attachment style has been established. He is not just fighting a mutual understanding, he is fighting routines and habits, poor fellow is deluded. He filled it up by saying "But it hasn't been a smooth 6 years and they sometimes had bad fights and separated", I responded "Everyone has a bad patch" and he countered "Yes, but not like this, he slapped her, he beats her and he's a cheat". I responded "Okay". I continued "What do you think of doing?". He responded "I want to get her". I inquired "Why don't you?". He responded "Because of this guy". Confused, I asked "Why? Do you know him?". He responded, "Yes, he is close". And so I recapped his story for him like; "She loves you even though she's still with her partner of 6 years. She's the object of desire in this pyramid and everyone is familiar with one another?". I stopped and the room was quiet for a while. Then he broke the silence and asked "Why doesn't she leave him?" he was thoughtful. I remained quiet. He put me on the spot and asked what I'd do. I wanted to be neutral so I spoke about the other guy and how I respected his 6 years. To deflect the question I made a joke saying "Avoid stepping into a great man's shoes", that statement hit him like a snipper on the rooftop. Sorrowfully, he murmured "She's not my girl". I felt bad. I rolled a joint and we smoked. It was 6pm and the streets were flooded with people from work, it was peak time, prime time and Avanzas were filled to the brim on the Johnbrant street from Pan African Mall. We just sat by the side of the road and witnessed life, we were silent, we saw beautiful women walking, we saw girls who were too young but had a lot of potential, we saw children in their school uniforms walking home, we saw kids with their friends, we saw men in their overalls and boots who carried their lunch bags, just on the other street a couple of boys were playing soccer and there were roars of youthful energy, the atmosphere was vibey and busy, bells from cars and laughs from people was all we heard, cigarettes were selling like an IPO, it was beautiful and we both appreciated the scenery. Life was normal. Life was happy. Despite the cold truth, it was still a good day.